The signs as lines from John Mulaney’s “The Comeback Kid”

chrishoulihan:

Aries: This is an on-fire garbage can…could be a nursery

Taurus: [MOOING ANGRILY]

Gemini: I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma

Cancer: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

Leo: No one wants to applaud the penis of a 32 year old weirdo

Virgo: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

Libra: aHHH! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!

Scorpio: Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents has to die. I can’t have them running around.

Sagittarius: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all

Capricorn: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

Aquarius: Sometimes he will watch a movie on TV, even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him.

Pisces: My vibe is more like, “hey, you could pour soup in my lap, and I’ll probably apologize to you”